by Lorette C. Luzajic

It’s one point five days into the no-carbs New Years and doing fine, just fine. But why oh why can’t there be nutrient-dense proteins in fine wine? Robust health in Canada’s pride prize wheat and its spectrum of beers?

The paprika-garlic marinated pork roast with peppery pumpkin seeds made day one easy sailing. Gotta love Alabama white BBQ sauce- mayo, vinegar, lemon juice, and black pepper. And no one wants to drink again on New Year’s Day. So it was kind of a no-contest success story to kick start things off with for this experiment.

The experiment I’m talking about is taking the final plunge into my unexpected role as the spokes-model of the Paleo re/generation. Because I don’t exactly look like that spokes-model- and never have, pretty as I may be “in my own way.”

But the more I learn from my writing, the more I share of my research, the better my own life gets. My health and mental health get better and better. The strides taken toward that modern jungle have cured me of a lifetime of pesky autoimmune disorders, you just can’t go all the way if enjoying alcohol is an important part of your life. Cancer, diabetes, dry hair- I have to start saying “no thanks.”

But aye, there’s the pub. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist such a corny pun.) Our ancient gods of grain and grapes are made of liquid carbs! Pure sucree. Pure sacree. What’s a girl to do?

Now that I know that life without carbs is not suffering, but the opposite of suffering, I’ve got to trust that knowledge and bid humankind’s favourite folly farewell. Goodbye, fair love.

Is today’s melodrama sugar withdrawal? Probably. I followed it to the Valu Mart across the street. I thought some fruit might ward off tempting fantasy options like a baguette with brie, or, well, wine with that baguette with brie.

So I paid for a nice crispy-feeling Spartan apple and wondered why humans and animals all love stuff that will kill them more than they love anything else. There’s no way a dog’s going to eat only one potato chip, either, given free reign of a couch and Sour Cream and Onion crisps. And wine and beer is a universal pillar of joy and compulsion in lives the world over. Ants head straight for the sweet stuff- you can spill some sugar away from the house and they’ll all leave your kitchen.

Our earliest ancestors were making candy, too- sun drenching fruits to make them sweeter; hunting out fermented fruit juices and intoxicating plants; making honey taffy. As soon as recorded history began, we were making candy by rolling nuts and berries in honey, from China to Egypt. Later, some genius added cocoa to the concoction and the real party started- the ancient rendition of the chocolate bar.

On the way out of the shop, I glanced over a Christmas product clearance to see if there was anything useful. With curiousity, I picked up a box of Christmas cookies. They were on sale for .79 cents, a savings of $3.19! Then reason washed over me. I’d never had these cookies before in my life, and there was no real point to start now, two days into a carb detox. My eyes skimmed a list of a dozen ingredients I couldn’t pronounce. Mister Christie, you make good cookies?

We’ve got to stop feeding this shit to our children.

I put the box down thinking, that’s a lot of bang for that buck. Heading back out into January’s clime, I went walking down the chilly, bright streets. The apple was delicious.